


Coming Back All Changed

by WinterSky101



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s03e01 The Awakening, F/M, Homecoming, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Missing Scene, Romance, Season/Series 03, Zuko Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-23
Updated: 2018-02-23
Packaged: 2019-03-23 02:10:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13777473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WinterSky101/pseuds/WinterSky101
Summary: Zuko returns home, just like he’s wanted for the past three years, and finds he doesn’t quite fit.





	Coming Back All Changed

**Author's Note:**

> Title comes from this quote by Kate Wiggin, from _New Chronicles of Rebecca_ : "There is a kind of magicness about going far away and then coming back all changed."

Zuko returns to the palace after three weeks at sea (after three years of banishment) and immediately feels  _off_.

He told Mai he wondered what had changed, but a part of him expected everything to be the same as it always was. In many ways, things are, and yet something's different. The longer he thinks about it, the more he thinks the palace isn't what changed. He thinks he is.

The ship comes in at night, while a full moon hangs in the sky. Zuko steps off after Azula and Ty Lee, with Mai at his side.

"You're home," Mai whispers in his ear, her arm around his waist.

"I'm home," Zuko repeats, but the words don't seem to fit right in his mouth.

They're greeted at the palace by a swarm of servants, and by Azula's firebending masters Li and Lo, but Ozai is no where to be seen. Zuko's first emotion is relief, then he immediately hates himself for it. Ozai is his father, whom he hasn't seen in three years. He should be longing to see him. The fact that he's not must mean something's wrong with him.

He's his father's loyal son, and he wants to see Ozai again. He  _does_.

A servant leads him to his room. It's been dusted and aired out, but other than that, it doesn't look like it's been touched. Zuko isn't foolish enough to  _actually_  believe that, of course - he has no doubt that his father went through his things after his banishment, or at least had a servant do it - but at least it's not openly ransacked. A new servant helps him out of his clothes, even though he's perfectly capable of undressing by himself, then a third helps him into his sleepwear. A fourth brings in his things from the ship.

"Is there anything else you require, Prince Zuko?" one of the servants asks, bowing.

"No, I'm alright," Zuko replies. "Uh, you're dismissed."

The servants bow, then they leave the room. The door shuts behind them with a soft click. Zuko waits until the sound of their footsteps has faded before he moves.

Slowly, Zuko explores his room. He doesn't  _think_  anything has been moved, although he's not sure. His memories of this room are fuzzy. He never bothered memorizing it. He never thought he'd have to. He took the room for granted. Now, he knows how foolish that was.

When he was younger, this room felt safe. It was where he'd retreat if he were hiding from Azula - not that she wouldn't sometimes march right in after him, but at least it gave the illusion of privacy - or where he'd go to patch himself up after his father punished him for doing something wrong. Now, the room feels strange. He doesn't fit in it anymore. Everything seems to small, and he knows it's because he's grown since his childhood memories, but…

Well, that's exactly it, isn't it? He's grown. He's changed. This was the room of a child, and Zuko is not a child anymore.

* * *

The bed is too soft.

Zuko spent three years on a ship, then months on the run, disguised as a refugee. He hasn't slept in a bed like this since he was banished. And now, even though he's longed for a bed like this for years, he can't sleep in it.

It's ridiculous. The bed is uncomfortable because it's  _too_  comfortable, too soft and plush. He feels like he's sinking down into it. It's the sort of bed a prince is supposed to have, but Zuko would paradoxically be more comfortable in a stiffer bed.

He tries his best to get comfortable, but he can't. Finally, with an annoyed hiss, Zuko grabs his pillow and blanket and climbs off his bed, lying down on the floor. It's harder than his bed, but Zuko falls asleep much more easily.

He dreams of his Agni Kai, only he's in Ozai's place and Iroh is in his. His uncle is on his knees, looking up at Zuko with the same soft expression of forgiveness as always, even as Zuko's hand reaches out to burn his face.

He wakes with a gasp, just as the sun rises over the horizon. It's early, and Zuko didn't fall asleep until late the night before, but he's woken with the sun for years, and apparently it's not going to be an easy habit to break. He's not going to be able to go back to sleep, so he doesn't bother to try.

He wonders if Iroh is awake in his prison cell. He shouldn't - Iroh was the one who betrayed him, who betrayed the entire Fire Nation - but he keeps thinking of him anyway. Azula would tell him he's being a softhearted fool. Perhaps she'd be right.

 _Iroh is a traitor,_  Zuko tells himself firmly.  _He's a traitor, and he deserves what he's getting._

Even in his own head, the words don't sound right.

Since he's awake, Zuko gets up and puts his pillow and blanket back on the bed. He doesn't need anyone to know that he slept on the floor. He knows servants will probably come around in an hour or so to dress him in whatever formal robes he needs to wear today, but he gets changed out of his sleepwear and into one of the informal outfits he brought with him from Ba Sing Se. Azula insisted on burning all of his green Earth Kingdom clothing and having tailors make him some red Fire Nation robes, but he made sure that they made him at least one casual outfit as well. It's red, not green, and it has the traditional gold trim worn by the royal family, but it's made of softer fabric and is far more comfortable than the other robes he had made. Fire Nation royal robes aren't known for being comfortable.

The robes he'll have to wear later will, undoubtedly, be even less comfortable than the ones Azula forced the tailors to make for Zuko. He doesn't look forward to it. But for now, in his comfortable clothes, he settles down to meditate.

Given how much turmoil is in his head, he thinks he needs it.

* * *

The servants come in about an hour after Zuko wakes up. "Be quiet," he hears one of them hiss, "so we don't wake- Prince Zuko!"

"It's alright," Zuko says, out of practice when it comes to dealing with servants. He hasn't had a servant looking after him for a long time. "I was already awake."

"We can come earlier tomorrow, if you'd prefer," the head servant says, bowing.

"No, it's alright." The time alone gave Zuko a chance to meditate, and although he doesn't feel that much better, he'd like to think it helped. "This time is fine."

"Prince Zuko," another servant says, stepping forward. "My fellow tailors and I have made you a new robe. May we try it on you, so we can make the necessary adjustments?"

"Of course," Zuko replies, resigning himself to playing human pincushion for the foreseeable future.

A servant brings in a robe, which Zuko knows will be the most formal thing he's worn in years. "There'll be a welcoming ceremony later," the head tailor tells him. "You'll wear armor for that, but you'll change into this after."

"When will the ceremony be?" Zuko asks.

The servants exchange a quick look. "Noon, your highness," the head tailor finally says.

Of course it's noon. Important ceremonies are always held at noon, when the sun is at its highest. Zuko should have remembered that.

"I don't have armor."

"It's being taken care of, your highness," the head tailor replies. "But we'll need to tailor the under-layers for it, and this robe."

"Of course," Zuko replies. He steps up on the little stool and allows the servants to undress him.

The tailors make disapproving noises over how thin he's become. Zuko tunes them out. Yes, he's lost weight, but he's not as thin as he was before he and Iroh went to Ba Sing Se. Before that, Zuko could have counted every one of his ribs. He can't do that anymore. It's an improvement.

Iroh lost more weight than Zuko did. If there was only enough food for one person, he always tried to give it to Zuko. Zuko did his best to try and split it evenly among them, but he's still fairly certain Iroh ate less than he did.

 _Your uncle is a traitor,_  a voice in the back of his head tells him. It sounds like Ozai. Zuko knows it's right. No matter what Iroh has done for him, it doesn't change the fact that he betrayed the Fire Nation. It doesn't change anything.

The tailors finish their pinning and replace the formal robes with the under-layers for his armor. Those don't take as long to adjust as the robes did. They're too big for Zuko, the belt cinching ridiculously tightly when they try to tie it. The robes were made with someone much bulkier than Zuko in mind. He's always been slight, even before he lost weight on his travels. He would never have fit in these robes. He wonders if a prince who could is what his people expect.

* * *

Mai slinks into his room not long after the tailors leave. "Hey, you."

Zuko looks up from his dresser. He's emptying it of his old clothes and putting away his new ones. It's a job for the servants, he knows, but he wants to do something to keep his hands busy, and he doesn't want to face anyone.

Mai, however, is an exception.

"Hey."

"You excited for your big ceremony later?" Mai asks, sidling up to Zuko.

"Not really."

"Why not?" She wraps an arm around his waist, looking up at him. "Isn't this the validation that you wanted?"

Zuko doesn't look down at her. "I'm… Everything feels strange here."

Mai reaches up, placing one hand on Zuko's cheek. Her fingers brush the edge of his scar. He still doesn't turn down to face her, and she doesn't try to twist his head so he will.

"Of course everything feels strange," she says. "It's been a long time since you were last here. Everything feels a little strange for me too."

"All I've wanted for three years is to come home," Zuko says quietly. "And now that I'm here, I… I feel like I don't fit." He sighs. "Maybe I really don't fit anymore."

"Hey." This time, Mai pushes on his cheek slightly. He goes along with it, looking down at her. "Give it time. You just got home. And if you don't fit…" She shrugs. "Make it fit you. This is your home, Zuko. You'll fit."

Zuko kisses her, and Mai kisses back. It does more to make him feel at ease than anything else. With Mai, at least, he knows he fits.

"So what are you doing?" she asks after they pull apart. She gestures at the clothes piled around him. "I don't think I've ever seen you with this many clothes before."

"They're all too small," Zuko replies. "I'm putting my new clothes away."

"You can get a servant to do that for you, you know."

Zuko just shrugs, kneeling in front of his dresser. Mai sits down on the end of his bed as he pulls another folded robe out of the drawer. "I remember that one."

"So do I," Zuko replies, unfolding it. He's grown a lot since he was thirteen. The robe looks tiny. "It was one of my favorites."

"You could another one made like it," Mai suggests. "Or the tailors might even be able to adjust this one so it would fit you."

"I don't know." He like the robe when he was young, but the thought of having a new one made seems like trying too hard to reach for something he'll never grasp. Zuko can't never be that thirteen year old boy again.

He folds the robe back up and goes to set it down with the others, but Mai reaches out and puts a hand on his arm to stop him. "Keep it."

"It's too small."

"So? I didn't say wear it."

Zuko looks at Mai, then down at the robe. Carefully, he places it back in the drawer.

"I'm thirsty," Mai says. "Do you want to go have some tea?"

For a moment, Zuko feels horribly, violently ill. "No," he says, too sharply.

Mai raises an eyebrow. "Okay, whatever. It's just tea."

Zuko's first thought is that Iroh would be incredibly offended to hear that. The roiling in his stomach gets worse.

"Sorry."

Mai runs her fingers through Zuko's hair. He leans into her touch. "You are different from how you used to be."

Zuko looks up at her. "Is that a bad thing?"

Mai bends down and gives him a kiss. "No. I like different."

"You're different too."

"Thanks."

"No, I like it."

Mai smiles, just a little. She gives him another kiss, a tiny one right below his scar. "Good."

* * *

When the tailors bring the under-layers back for Zuko to try on again, right before the ceremony, they're padded.

"What is this?" Zuko asks, sounding much more accusatory than he meant to.

The tailors look at each other nervously. "We thought it would help the armor fit better, your highness," the head tailor says tentatively. "If it offends you-"

"It's fine." It'll probably help him cut a more imposing figure, which Zuko assumes is a good thing.

The tailors look relieved by his easy acquiescence. Zuko wonders what they expected. He allows them to dress him, first in the under-layers, then in the armor. It's not his, but it's clearly not new either. Zuko doesn't ask who it belonged to. It has the gold edging that denotes the royal family, so there really aren't that many options.

A servant begins to brush his hair. "There's not enough for a phoenix tail," Zuko says stupidly, as if she can't tell.

The servant blinks. "I- I was told to put your hair in a topknot, your highness."

Of course. His old phoenix tail was childish. He's an adult now, and he should wear an adult's hairstyle.

"Is there enough for a topknot?"

The servant looks uncomfortable. His short hair is a sign of his fall from grace, If he hadn't been declared a traitor, he never would have cut it like this. He's not a traitor now, and officially, he assumes things will be redacted so it looks as if he never were declared one. But that doesn't erase people's memories, and Zuko knows it'll take while before anyone forgets.

"I think there's enough, your highness."

She does manage to scrape his hair into a topknot, although a few short bits fall free. It's alright. Zuko was never going to look like a perfect prince anyway, not with his scar.

He stands with Azula and waits while Li and Lo tell the story of what happened in Ba Sing Se. They make it sound so simple. Zuko wonders what happened to the people he met in the city while he lived there, and then he wishes he hadn't.

"Now the heroes have returned home!" Li and Lo cry. Zuko tenses.

"Ready for your big moment, Zuzu?" Azula asks, her lips curved into a smile that might seem sincere to strangers. Zuko knows her better.

He doesn't know what to say, but Li and Lo call her out before he has to say anything. He listens to the cheering, then waits for his cue.

"And after three long years, your prince has returned… Zuko!"

He steps out, keeping his head down. The people cheer for him, and this is supposed to be what he  _wanted_ , but it doesn't feel right. He raises his head once he gets to the edge of the balcony - a prince cannot show weakness - but he doesn't raise his eyes. The people are cheering for him. This is what he wants. This is what he  _wants_.

If he says it enough, maybe he'll even start to believe it.

* * *

After the ceremony, Zuko and Azula both change into formal robes and go to mingle with the top generals and other nobility. Zuko hates it. His knowledge of internal military affairs is three years out of date, not that he ever knew that much about it even before he was banished. Azula, of course, knows exactly what the generals are talking about and discusses strategy with them animatedly. Zuko ends up talking with the nobles, wondering if his father will show up. He never does.

"Tell me, Prince Zuko," Lady Chen says, batting her eyelashes in a way that's supremely disturbing on a woman her age, "how in Agni's name did you end up in Ba Sing Se? How did you even manage to get in?"

"As a refugee," Zuko replies. As Lady Chen's expression turns to shock, he quickly adds, "Not really. I wasn't really a refugee. I was pretending. To get into the city. And past the walls."

It's not  _exactly_  a lie, which is good, because Zuko's always been a terrible liar. He's not doing a much better job at telling the truth now, but he's never been good at talking to people under pressure.

"An inspired idea, Prince Zuko," Lady Chen compliments, although she looks a little less enamored with him now. Zuko's not going to complain. She's old enough to be his mother, but that's not stopping her from being horribly flirtatious. Maybe this will.

"And what did you do in Ba Sing Se before your sister found you?" Lady Chen asks.

Zuko figures he probably shouldn't admit that he worked in a tea shop. "Reconnaissance," he lies blatantly. He hopes it's not too obvious, but it probably is.

Lady Chen blinks. "For what?"

_Stupid, stupid, stupid-_

"Why, for the coup, of course!" Azula says, fluttering into the conversation with ease. "By the time I got to Ba Sing Se, Zuko knew exactly what I had to do to take over."

Now Lady Chen looks impressed. Zuko just hopes she doesn't start flirting again. "Really?"

"Really," Azula confirms, simpering. "He was such a help. I wouldn't have been able to take Ba Sing Se without him."

Lady Chen bats her eyelashes at Zuko again. "Well, that's certainly very impressive."

"Very," Azula agrees. "If you'll excuse us..." She grabs Zuko's arm before Lady Chen can say anything and pulls him away. "Reconnaissance?" she asks under her breath as they walk off. "Really, Zuzu, can't you lie better than that?"

Zuko scowls. "I've always hated these things."

"They are so dreadfully boring," Azula agrees. "If you want to leave, I'll make your excuses."

Zuko narrows his eyes. There's no reason for Azula to be nice like this. "Why?"

Azula puts a hand on her chest, making her eyes big and shocked. "Because I'm your sister, darling Zuzu! I want to help you, just like I helped you with Lady Chen."

Zuko tears his arm out of her grip. "I don't want your help."

Azula shrugs one elegant shoulder. "As you wish."

Zuko forces himself to mingle until people start leaving, and then he slips out as the crowd grows thin. He picks up a roll from the refreshment table on his way out.

He needs to think, and he needs to be alone for a while. He knows where to go to get that.

The turtleduck pond he and his mother used to love is just as he remembers it. There are only three turtleducks that he can see, a mother and two babies. He sits cross-legged by the edge and tears the roll into pieces, tossing them in for the turtleducks to eat.

Then a shadow falls over the pond, and whatever peace Zuko managed to find is shattered.

* * *

His father summons him late that night, right as Zuko's about to undress and go to bed. He quickly puts his armor on and hurries to the throne room, his heart pounding and his stomach tied in knots.

Later, when he leaves the room, he still feels the same. His father is proud of him, he said so, but he's proud of Zuko for things he didn't do, or things he thinks might have been wrong. It doesn't feel right.

He goes to Azula for answers and leaves wishing he didn't have them. If the Avatar is alive, if the waterbender girl managed to heal him, then all the blame will fall on Zuko. He wonders if Azula has been planning this since she first saw him in Ba Sing Se.

He wants to see his uncle. He needs to talk to someone who won't judge him, who'll sit and listen and then give him advice when he's done talking. Iroh's advice is often hard to understand, but Zuko knows he always wants to help.

Except Iroh is a traitor, locked away in a prison cell, and Zuko can't go visit him anymore.

He changes out of his armor into more comfortable clothes, but he can't sit still. He needs to move, he needs to do  _something_ -

He gets up, grabs a cloak, and leaves his room, slipping down hallways until he reaches the main doors of the palace. The guards let him pass without a word. He knows they'll probably tell his father, but he doesn't care. He's not doing anything wrong. He has nothing to hide.

He pulls his cloak tighter around himself as he steps into the courtyard. Now that he's out here, he doesn't know what to do. He still wants to visit Iroh, but he can't. He considers going out beyond the city to rage and bend fire until he has no more left, but he would have to do it alone, and he doesn't want to be alone.

"Hey." A shadow peels off one of the pillars and Mai steps forward. "What are you doing out here?"

"I could ask you the same thing," Zuko replies.

Mai shrugs. "I was bored."

"I talked to my father," Zuko admits. Mai isn't Iroh, but she's a good listener anyway. "He was proud of me."

"Isn't that a good thing?"

"Yes- No- I don't  _know_!" Zuko rakes his fingers through his hair, looking down. "Azula told him I was the one who killed the Avatar," he tells the ground. "That's why he's proud of me. But it wasn't me, it was her."

"So you don't feel like you deserve it?" Mai asks.

It's more than that, but… "Yeah, I guess."

Mai reaches out and takes Zuko's hand. "Let's take a walk."

"Why?"

"Standing here is boring."

Boredom has always been the bane of Mai's existence, but Zuko has the feeling it's not the whole reason this time. He lets her lead him away from the palace, down narrow streets and alleys. The moon above them is just a shade less than full, glowing brightly enough for them to see without a lantern.

"Where are we going?" Zuko asks.

"Anywhere," Mai replies. "Does it matter?"

"I guess not."

They finally stop by a small park with a fountain. Mai sits down on the edge and pulls Zuko down to sit with her.

"Remember when we were little and you pushed me into the fountain so Azula wouldn't light my hair on fire?" Mai asks.

"Remember when we were in Ba Sing Se and you told a girl to throw an icicle at my head and I fell in a fountain?"

"Don't be a baby," Mai sighs.

"She threw an icicle at my head!"

"You told her I was a knife thrower at a circus."

"Well, I had to tell her something!"

Mai leans over and kisses him. "Don't be a baby."

Zuko kisses her again, cradling her face in his hands. Mai's eyes sparkle in the moonlight when he pulls away.

"Come on." She takes his hand, pulls him to his feet, and leads him away.

When they finally get back to the palace after visiting a few other places, Zuko feels… Well, not  _better_ , exactly, but more relaxed. He doubts it's going to last - wandering out with Mai didn't actually provide solutions to any of his problems - but at least he's distracted for now. Mai's not his uncle, but she helps in her own way.

He gives Mai a gentle goodnight kiss when they step inside. "Sleep well."

"You too," she replies, and she goes up on tiptoe to press a kiss beneath his left eye, where the skin is rough and hard and scarred. Zuko presses his fingers to the spot as Mai walks down the hall, the shadows swallowing her up once she's gone a few feet.

He sets the pillow and blankets on the floor again - the bed is still too soft - but he sleeps without dreams.

**Author's Note:**

> My writing tumblr is [here](http://winterskywrites.tumblr.com/), if you're interested.


End file.
